Dating Correctly/Incorrectly 😗❤️🚩
Not necessarily the type of topic you’ll see here too often but one I’d love to get input on nonetheless. Recently I’ve been going out and exploring the dating world as I’ve never partook in it before. One topic I am having a tough time with is exclusivity. Every time I date someone they wanna go 2-3 months being non exclusive even after 4-7 dates. Personally I’ve always grown up being someone thinking if you date someone you stick to that person. Lately I always feel like I am the safe option and the option no one wants to lose but yet no one puts me as #1 and I dislike it cause I feel like I am a good catch. Am I doing this wrong or is it just todays day and age that no one wants to commit?
It’s todays standards 100%
Each person wants something different from a relationship. The non exclusivity thing use to be mostly a guy thing but now I think that is the trend for everyone. Let them know, you are dating two other girls and she might change her mind.
Date people with values that align more closely with yours. They exist, you are most likely fishing in the wrong pond
Where do you recommend finding these people? Seems like this is becoming a lot harder especially with dating apps lol
Dating apps are trash, most of the women on them are sluts with far too high of an opinion of themselves and the man are either simps or douchebags on there flexing wealth to catch the aforementioned women's attention. Would highly recommend exploring a few hobbies that interest you and try to meet people that way.
You have to have “the talk.” If you want exclusivity, say it in the talk. If they don’t want what you want, accept it and stay together or move on.
Agree
this
For most people, especially if they met on apps, having the exclusive talk at 4 dates will do you no favors and make you seem controlling.
As others said, this is modern dating, and this is only amplified in major American cities. OP either needs to adjust, deal with it, or fish in a different pond (if you meet someone organically at church or at work there is less likely to be this period of dating multiple people)
Living by others' rules is always doing it wrong. Set your own rules and stick to them. You only need one in the end.
These days everyone wants the best. Are you sure you're a "catch"? If you're nobody's number #1 you probably don't look as good as the other guys.
Things like empathy, personality etc don't matter till you're exclusive.
Moving forward, focus on things like your looks and that will ensure that a woman would want to take you in front of her friends and post instagram stories with. Women compete with each other and no one like an ugly male on someone's Instagram story or post.
You are correct. Physical appearance ranks as the number 1 attribute for both guys and girls when they are young. I would argue that looks are even more important for females because they love photos. Most likely, the OP has overrated himself a bit or puts a higher value on things like intellect, ambition and personality than a female would rate these things at a young age
If you make it clear from date 1-3 that you are looking for a relationship, I'd say being exclusive after a month +/- is normal. This would be like 3 - 6 dates or so depending on how often you see someone. Again I would just make it clear early on what you are looking for and that they're on the same page. If someone is looking for a relationship and isn't ready to be exclusive after 3 months, then they aren't really serious about finding a relationship / aren't that into you. Be direct - women love it.
Women love direct. What women dont love is a guy trying to corner them into a relationship early on. Asking to be exclusive after 3 dates, or if early on in the dating phase saying you are looking for something long-term, is a major turn off to any sensible well rounded 20 something.
If we are talking 30+ year olds who want kids and dont have time to burn on will they/wont they , or damaged individuals with attachment issues, then that may work. But assuming OP is in 20s and lives in a major city it will just make him look like a dork to women
Being exclusive after a month or so when you both want a relationship isn't "cornering" lol, especially to a "sensible well rounded" woman. The girls I have dated recently have all asked me about being exclusive / if I am still dating other people / etc. early on (within 1 month give or take). All < 25 years old as well.
It really just depends on the people involved. I was never interested in exclusivity early on in a relationship and preferred to date a few girls at the same time. Once I got more comfortable in the dating scene, I wanted to keep my options open. With that said, my own kid who is college age has this vision of being with one girl and it being exclusive. He did not get that from me, haha. I don't think there is a right or wrong approach this issue.
Khabib voice: "this is not way bratan.."
Okay, where to begin... depends on context - where you are in age and life.
IF you're ready to dive into fully committed and making vows and having the one and only etc. etc. then yeah, def. fishing in wrong pond brotha (as mentioned - +1 SB).
WHERE TO GO - depends on your interests and where your values align, go to those places where you... can find an ideal match for you - if you're into say Church or some other activity that will attract women who... don't frequent bars and clubs, that may be ideal. Come up with some things which will align with your family ideals. If not, come up with what ideals and traditions that you would want your future family to have.
Okay, besides the above, if you're just looking to date, a few simple points to remember:
Therefore YOU:
And then beyond the just dating (I might get some monkey shit for this) IMO the girl you pick for the long term, ideally I always tell fellas I know, you want to pick one who:
Not saying that without the above you cannot have a healthy and long-lasting relationship, you might go through more growing pains than you would endure without the above, and it might take more patience on your part than she will be willing to offer to you, and it might take some time for some concepts to sink in on her part (I guess in a way technical way to put it is difference in patience parity on your part vs. hers and then expectation for you to be up-to-speed on topics you may fall short of).
Generally, Women are born negotiators and communicators and with very high EQ (learn from a very young age and on).
Generally Men on the other hand are born understanding equity (equitable circumstances) and solid deal terms (just my opinion on the matter), which and then ties back to why some guys who communicate really well across mediums, can pull, and often etc. etc.
That's my simple interpretation of the game in a nutshell, pick your lane and choose wisely!
touch grass bro
haha, you might be right bro lol
All I can say I've gotten more than my fair share over the years and have plenty of buddies who have done the same. You want the process to work for you and not the other way around - and just writing that out in a way that anyone should be able to grasp.
Also I've got a lot of buddies who are / were married, and around half are divorced - of the remaining half, half of those are still married and in some way miserable and stuck, and then the other remaining half are relatively happy - and these are my simple observations (not even just mine really, most ppl I know and ppl I might have a conversation with on the topic who have IRL experiences).
IMO, do not overcomplicate things. Just go on as many dates as possible and try to ensure they are with high quality people.
It's a numbers game just like any form of what is basically sales, and when you meet the one you will know.
My first date with my now wife was ~8x+ better than any other date. Our values aligned very closely etc.
I just communicated that exclusivity was a requirement after the first date / that I was only asking for a second because I planned to put effort in and be exclusive myself. Fine if that's not for some women, just meant those women weren't for me. Very happily engaged now and avoided wasting time / going through the awkwardness of feeling out where you stand w/ someone who you fail to communicate directly like an adult with (they're probably failing to do so, too)
Don't look so hard man. I get there are times when we all desire a relationship, but honestly everytime i have gone out and looked for a partner it has almost never worked. Keep living your life and doing your thing. I agree with the other comments of trying new clubs / groups and meeting somebody that way, but the way that will happen is if you join a group in which YOU are interested.
Also, what is stopping you from talking to multiple people at a time? Heck - talk to as many people as you want until you find the right one :)
If you want a relationship, make sure you date an uglier chick. They are great (low stress, low maintenance, etc) - I've been with mine for almost 2 years and I've never been happier !
Honest question not meant to be rude - do you ever regret being with your uglier chick, when guys out there (friends or strangers) have absolutely bombshells, or even just a decently cuter girl than yours? Do you ever get jealous or resent her or feel some embarrassment?
not at all. what I have is real
This is just the big city mentality. Try settling down somewhere more rural and I doubt you’d find girls take as long to commit. I don’t like seeing more than one woman at a time, so I don’t. If I don’t like her I don’t go on a second date.
Know your worth.
When people I really liked wanted to do that, I treated it like a casual relationship and found someone serious to date.
Found someone cool who wanted what I did and it’s been smooth sailing.
At OP, have to ask a couple questions:
1. Where do you live, or in what city?
2. How old are you and have you dated before?
3. What do you want out of your relationship?
Mainly, no offense, you seem a little green in terms of dating. Here are a couple pointers I'd give:
1. Don't take advice on dating from movies, TV shows, or even woman themselves (I believe it was Steve Jobs who said people will know that they want when I show it to them). Basically, everyone wants something different when dating;however, not everyone will tell you straight what they want. Every one will tell you the same things, "nice" guy, treats them a certain way, has a certain kind of job. Sometimes people say that because it sounds, but sometimes that's not what want woman want. Some woman want guys who treat them badly (daddy issues), some woman want drama, some woman care less about the job/money but want a physical attritbute (for example, they might want someone over 6 ft, or someone more on the chubby side so they feel better about themsevles.) Also, do fun stuff. Read some stuff about dating, Google fun date ideas where you live. Dont' be too extreme though, first dates should be drinks or something you can leave early if it isn't going well, not a 5 hour boat trip with someone you just met.
2. You say you're a catch, but that doesn't mean everyone's catch,. You can be the best tasting strawberry in the world, doesn't mean everyone likes strawberries. Also, what do you mean by you're a catch? You could have a billion dollars, but some woman would go with a free spender if you're counting every dime.
3. Look at dating like doing business. It's harder now with the apps, as options increase decisions go down. As much as you need to be smooth on a deal with a client you need to be smooth while dating. Not saying don't have time frames, but don't have charts that are like "3 dates or two dinners or $348.47 spent with this girl that shoudl equal a relationship." This is where the TV stuff comes in, some woman want "a story" about their relationship,others are very low key.
4. You might need to go on dates to get good at the relationship part or understanding woman. Don't be afraid to adjust "tactics" as in places to go, things you talk about or things you wear. Also, don't get stuck on just dating one specific person. If you don't like talk girls, don't date someone 6'3", that's bound to fail, but if your limit on height is say 5'3", don't exclude a 5'5" woman just on that basis.
Start seeing multiple girls, you'll be surprised how quickly one of them will want to be exclusive once they find out you're seeing others. It might not align with your values at first, but sadly this is the way in big cities
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