Can I turn a jackass into a champion?
How many of you guys have a stupid younger cousin named Andy who's a senior at a target school and is pissing away any chance of excellence by drinking moderately and having the confidence of a kicked puppy? All of you? Cool, so I'm about to tell you a very relatable story.
Andy's about to start his last year at [good school but I'm not telling you since this fucking kid's life is already bad enough] with a major in applied statistics and he wants to become a trader and crush it like me, which would be fucking tight, but I never imagined my protege would be a pimply kid who wears cargo shorts, who'd certainly still be a virgin at 21 were it not for some hideous goth girl from his Stratego group who clearly hates herself and her father.
My aunt (my dad's sister, Andy's mom) is cool though, and works on Wall Street, so we were getting a drink one night about a month ago and she basically got me drunk just so I would agree to let Andy come stay with me at the end of the summer.
Well, the weekend of his visit has finally come and gone, and now I'll share a snippet with you to warn you against making the same mistake I did.
Andy got to my apartment on Friday at 2pm, which is hours earlier than we agreed to, and he managed to get the doorman to let him in by crying. Dude started tearing up because he couldn't just go wait at a Starbucks for a few hours.
My doorman is this gay Czech dude who probably thought he could take advantage of this noob's vulnerability. Unfortunately for him, Andy not only has no game with girls, but is TERRIBLE at getting hit on by anyone, which is why I made it my mission Friday night to try and get him laid. I thought it would be fun/funny because it's basically impossible, like teaching a dog to play the guitar.
When I got home later on Friday, I mixed him up some Woodford and Creatine, which he promptly barfed into his hand. I had to give him a Red Bull for chaser. This did get him perked up and a little looser with his verbal skills. We practiced. I said, "Andy, do you know how to ask a girl to come home with you?" He said, "Oh, uh, erm, ah, I dunno, I guess..."
God dammit, Andy.
He wouldn't agree to any coke so I snorted it all for myself and pretty soon I was practically carrying him into the club. I gave him a lecture about how bottle service doesn't get you laid, but for someone like him it would be like having a five second head start against Usain Bolt in the 100: probably not enough, but still, a significant leg up.
Three hours of drinking later, he was almost asleep, and therefore ready to have girls come over to the table. I picked out this 6-ish brunette chick with smeared eye makeup for him. Definitely in shape, but not a lady of high standards.
How can I tell, you ask? The Hair Theorem: For every separate hair color on a girl's head, she is willing to lower her standards by one point from her own level. Example: a woman who is an 8 and has just one hair color will sleep with a 7, but not a 6. This woman was a 6, but had four different colors of nasty chunky highlights, which meant she would go for a 2, luckily for Andy.
Anyway, Jesus, to make a long story short, Andy tried to bed her by telling her I had coke, which is an absolute dick move, but I did send the message that all's fair in love and war. The three of us went back to my place, she swallowed $200 of my Vegas winnings up her nose holes, and then took a 30 minute shower during which Andy passed out on the couch. I had to get her an Uber and she used three towels.
Fuck Andy. On the way to Grand Central he asked me if I would write him a letter of recommendation. I told him I would think about it if he could shape the fuck up before graduation. I wrote him a shopping list with Shake Weight, "The Game," and a single decent fucking pair of pants on it.
In conclusion, I'm not trying to make this kid my personal project, but I am not a fucking pussy when it comes to a challenge, so I'm conflicted. What are some additional resources to turn a zero into a hero? (I wouldn't know; I've been a 10 since pre-K)
Mod Note (Andy): Best of 2016, this post ranks #34 for the past year
Those who can't, teach. You might be out of luck on teaching Andy yourself. I'd seek the advice of some mid-range bros that can help the kid out.
for anyone wondering, this story isn't about me
Webinar: 22-year-old virgin to WSO COO - 8pm ET, 8/29/2016
that'd be like an 8 hour webinar
If the kid can't willingly be corrupted by nose beers and loose women then I think the only move realistically is to haze him until he accepts the savagery for what it is. At the very least you should be commended for even thinking about taking on the challenge in the first place.
Andy lacks self-confidence. It's not that easy to change.
believe it or not, lots of decent resources on WSO
http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/going-out-clothing http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/how-do-i-get-a-girlfriend http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/eb-ft-but http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/blog/getting-laid-the-instruction-manual
Or he could read blumie's anecdotes. Now that's a legend
So I have a friend who is similar to your Andy, lets call him Randy. Randy used to be the biggest shitshow out of all of us in College but got sober like an idiot like five years ago. This is good and bad. Good because he is always DD but bad because he's not always down to watch me and my posse get shityourpants drunk at unreasonable hours. So what do we do to get the poor dude some cheeks? We play the have you met Randy game? Yea I know I stole it from HIMYM but fuck it, it's hilarious. "Have you met Randy, he's the heir to the beanie baby fortune?" "Have you met Randy, he's recently homeless?" "Have you met Randy, he can't grow pubes?"
Speaking of HIMYM - this op has a great Barney Stinson vibe going on
Made an absolute utter shit day better bro, keep it up!!! The creatine and woodford should have diagnosed his beta symptoms but i guess andy is a special case.
This is literally the best thing I've read in days, and I wrote something today.
fax machine/
Assuming no troll...
No. There is nothing YOU can do to make him change.
However there is quite a bit that you can make HIM do. Remember that no amount of bullshit self-esteem programming will build confidence. Confidence comes from what people do.
Think about what you can get him to do with you. How about you all spend a weekend at a place like this? It would be good for both of you.
https://www.trackerschool.com/
FTB, do not change a thing.
AndyLouis this bro better make the ballot for poster of the year
haha i will, ftb is on a roll
You sound like a total d-bag. Who gives a fuck... At the very least, hopefully the kid has enough interview skills to land a job.
sar·casm (n): The use of irony to mock or convey contempt
'Fear the Bulge uses sarcasm to make fun of and troll the WSO community'
In terms of trolling, it's not a very entertaining one. Sounds like some 18-year-old frat dork from Shitville State.
in terms of what?? women??
if thats the case, then no, there is nothing you can really do, nothing he can do, etc. its all set in stone in terms of how he looks. i would know.. did well until i got deformed, now im fucked.
maybe suggest surgery if he has any clear flaws that can be fixed.
am i shamelessly posting in your troll thread to just push whatever i want??? yes.
am i right though?? yes.
lol, thats cute... but just so wrong.
i would have thought that guys here, most of which im assuming are intelligent and went to good schools, would know more about the dating scene and be able to quantify it.
women care only about your looks, money, and status. HOWEVER, ONLY LOOKS can create sexual attraction. therefore, if you want whoever you are fucking to be more than just a "loophole whore", looks become the only factor, as they are the only thing that creates genuine attraction.
you also have to keep in mind that looks go beyond that... they create your feeback loop and will carve out your behavior and personality over time. people treat you based on how you look = you over time having a certain feedback loop = your personality and behavior emerges from this.
me personally, i used to look good but got deformed (look up torticollis) , am a virgin, and go to a target school, but am considering dropping out primarily due to looks/they are at least the root cause.
i would argue that barring poverty, looks are the most important factor in life.
Ipsa doloremque aperiam veritatis eius nobis quo. Voluptatum maxime pariatur necessitatibus placeat possimus enim quis. Laudantium magni eos voluptas tempora. Atque nulla laudantium rerum. Incidunt expedita sequi non sint voluptatem qui.
See All Comments - 100% Free
WSO depends on everyone being able to pitch in when they know something. Unlock with your email and get bonus: 6 financial modeling lessons free ($199 value)
or Unlock with your social account...
Eveniet sequi dolor ipsa placeat. Iusto quis vero aspernatur est. Perferendis sit repellat nihil atque.
Et sunt illum ea ut esse expedita voluptatem unde. Aut incidunt dolor amet consequatur. Dolorem dolorem ut explicabo. Quos perferendis quia sit aut repellat cum dolor. Sequi doloremque ex qui numquam iure omnis. Magnam quo corporis similique velit quis.
Sequi voluptatum excepturi sint doloribus quod aliquam nemo. Voluptas quasi qui facilis non soluta debitis. Velit odio odio aut fugiat sint rem.